Depressed...again

Right now I just hate living, why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up again? I am damn tired, my stomach is still aching, I am nauseous and I just hate everything and everyone. I didn't sleep well at all since a little stupid kid had to wake me up at 7 am, on a Saturday! That kid also had to whistle all day long and although we are not in the same room, I had to listen to that all the time. Today (Sunday) started at 8 am, a bit better, but still too early for me. Crap day, crap weekend, crap week and actually 2012 has been such a crap year! 

Yes, I am totally negative today and feeling really depressed, the lack of sleep and rest doesn't help. It has been noise outside my room all day long, and yesterday too. I feel supervised, can't just walk out of my room and go to the bathroom without someone staring at me, can't relax. I went for a walk together with that kid and the farmer's woman too, I don't know why I did when all I wanted was just being on my own. In peace, getting a little break, being able to cry, cry and cry. Next time I will say no. 

I only feel like crying at the moment, it has been like that all day long, but I can't just let the tears run down my cheeks, I don't cry. Big girls don't cry, and little ones neither. How should I have explained a tearful face to those outside my room? What if they heard me? Or knocked on my door in the middle of the tears running down my face? I don't want to explain, I can't. It is easier to not cry, be brave, push away all the feelings and thoughts and just pretend as if everything is fine. But it isn't.

As I am sitting here the tears want to get out, they push against my eyes and make me feel sick. I don't want them, I don't want those feelings and I hate those thoughts. I want the nausea to go away, go and annoy someone else! And take all the thought with you, and don't dare to forget the feelings!

I think the best thing for me right now is to get some sleep, I am exhausted, but I don't feel tired. I don't want to sleep. Tomorrow it is Monday again and that means another appointment with my therapist. I am glad that it does, I need to talk, talk to someone who understands and who can bear it when I say: I just want to give up.