Life is a bitch

And has definitely not been good with me the last months, I got really depressed before Christmas and have been struggling a lot. My dad came to pick me up and I have been at home for a longer period, which has helped. I am still depressed, the anxiety is messing with my brain and food is still a topic for its own, but I am a bit better. I still just want to give up, pull the blanket over my head and never get out again, but as grandma says: we just don't give up!

Depressed...again

Right now I just hate living, why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up again? I am damn tired, my stomach is still aching, I am nauseous and I just hate everything and everyone. I didn't sleep well at all since a little stupid kid had to wake me up at 7 am, on a Saturday! That kid also had to whistle all day long and although we are not in the same room, I had to listen to that all the time. Today (Sunday) started at 8 am, a bit better, but still too early for me. Crap day, crap weekend, crap week and actually 2012 has been such a crap year! 

Yes, I am totally negative today and feeling really depressed, the lack of sleep and rest doesn't help. It has been noise outside my room all day long, and yesterday too. I feel supervised, can't just walk out of my room and go to the bathroom without someone staring at me, can't relax. I went for a walk together with that kid and the farmer's woman too, I don't know why I did when all I wanted was just being on my own. In peace, getting a little break, being able to cry, cry and cry. Next time I will say no. 

I only feel like crying at the moment, it has been like that all day long, but I can't just let the tears run down my cheeks, I don't cry. Big girls don't cry, and little ones neither. How should I have explained a tearful face to those outside my room? What if they heard me? Or knocked on my door in the middle of the tears running down my face? I don't want to explain, I can't. It is easier to not cry, be brave, push away all the feelings and thoughts and just pretend as if everything is fine. But it isn't.

As I am sitting here the tears want to get out, they push against my eyes and make me feel sick. I don't want them, I don't want those feelings and I hate those thoughts. I want the nausea to go away, go and annoy someone else! And take all the thought with you, and don't dare to forget the feelings!

I think the best thing for me right now is to get some sleep, I am exhausted, but I don't feel tired. I don't want to sleep. Tomorrow it is Monday again and that means another appointment with my therapist. I am glad that it does, I need to talk, talk to someone who understands and who can bear it when I say: I just want to give up.

Finished

Oh my God, how exhausted I am. I could fall asleep immediately. My whole body aches, my stomach feels like someone is pushing a knife into it, my head is exploding and I don't even want to mention my back and neck.

But we are finished with moving! Well, with moving out of the apartment and putting all the stuff where I can store it until I find a new one. Everything we need until then is moved to the farm and everything is placed in our new room. We have a very little and cozy room, I think we will survive some weeks in it. The dogs are pretty exhausted too and have to sleep very much. It seems as they like being here and that will make it easier for them to settle down.

I think I have to blog more a bit later, my eyes are too heavy. Gonna take a little nap.
Talk to you later!

I want to fall asleep and never wake up again

You know those days when you just want to fall asleep and never wake up again? Trying to forget how difficult things are, how fucked up life is and all the worries that eat you up. I am tired right now, really tired. Sick and tired of not knowing how life will go on, if we are going to find our own place before Christmas, if moving is going to make us feel better and if the pain ever will go away.

The last weeks have been hell, I found out that my oldest dog also is struggling from heavy allergies, as if Hypothyroidism isn't enough for that little body. I am worried, I am afraid of loosing my heart, the dearest thing in my life. I am so damn scared and I don't know what to do with it? What if the treatment isn't working properly? Where is the this thin line between me being egoistic, letting my dog suffer because I can't live without it, and doing anything I can do in order to help and give my dog the life it deserves? When do I have to say stop? Looking in those eyes at the moment isn't what it uses to be, I see pain, I see exhaustion and I see worries. Why can't she just be healthy?

I addition to that we still haven't found a place to move to, we are going to stay with at their farm friends and I am really thankful for that. But living at someone's house is not the same as living in my own apartment, I can't do whatever I want to, I am not going to have the privacy I need and I am used to, and I already feel kind of being in the way for someone. But maybe it will be great too? Time will show.

This weekend is the big moving weekend, some friends are going to help me move the big and heavy things tomorrow. We drove up the things I am going to have in the little bedroom at the farm today, got unpacked nearly all of it. I am really tired now and think I will just turn off the lights and get some sleep. The next days are going to be pretty stressful, but after delivering the keys I can finally breathe again and relax. Oh gosh, I am so looking forward to it!

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." Havelock Ellis

We are going to move. The apartment I live in has never been our dream place and after a period with mold in the guest room I am pretty fed up. One of my dogs has become very ill from it and I am wondering if that also could be one of the reasons why I still am struggling with getting healthy. We will move out within the next month, so I have to start packing.

 It feels like I am breaking up with something, kind of finish another chapter in this life. 
Well, I kind of am and it is scary. First we have to find a new place, if we don't within that month we will move in with some friends, the ones with the horses. Finding a new home is pretty difficult right now, not so many apartments on the marked and most of them are too expensive. I hope that I will find one pretty soon, so we don't have to switch places. And then we have to move all of our things. That is not the biggest problem, but it is a lot of work. I feel very exhausted at the moment and am very scared to go into another depression.

Autumn with it's cold days isn't helping so much. As fast as we have found a place and moved our stuff we have to unpack everything again and settle. It will be a lot of stress for all of us, so I expect my youngster to struggle with staying alone at home again. But we will just start from the beginning again and increase the time slowly. I think she will be ok as fast as we have settled. I think it will be good for us all. My eldest dog is hopefully going to feel better again and I hope that her health will improve. And the youngster will stress less when she sees me worrying less. It sometimes is impressive how much they understand. I am very afraid to loose my eldest right now, it would tear my heart apart. But as long as I don't have any obvious test results I won't make any decisions.

I am a bit melancholic today, feeling weird and stressed. The life I have is not what I want, but it is scary to start something new. Leave the safe and known for something scary and unknown. To let go of the old and bad and hold on to the good and take that with us into the future. We will move, that is certain. When and where is another question. I am just scared, damn scared.

Time is flying. Have spent the last two weeks on the sofa with a cold and sore throat, two furballs, tea, tissues and my loved TV! I am finally feeling better and am in a bit better shape.

Haven't done anything really interesting the last weeks, besides reading some great books. I have just finished "The Emotional Life of Animals - A Leading Scientist Explores Animal Joy, Sorrow, and Empathy and Why They Matter" written by Marc Bekoff and I LOVE THIS BOOK! It really touches your heart. I have never cried so much, laughed so much and thought so much while reading a book.
 

 I have always loved animals and been thrilled by their emotions, their love and companionship. I grew up with a little zoo, we have always had dogs and cats, ducks, chicken, geese, rabbits, guinea pigs and some lizards. My neighbor had cows and I used to help him on the farm. I also started horseback riding when I was 8 years old. Animals are such interesting creatures and I could not think of a life without them. They love you for who you are and as you are. They just don't care about what you look like, what car you drive or even if you can talk or walk. I have always found someone to lean to, someone who comforted me when feeling down and who cheered me up...in an animal. They don't let you down as people do. I just love them.

Unfortunately I can't say the same thing about people. Of course that's because of bad experiences, things that have happened through life and that have changed the trust in people you carry with you from childhood. I am not saying that I can't trust people or love them, neither that I don't like them, I absolutely do, but I have to admit that connecting emotionally with an animal is a lot easier and safer for me.

Well, enough reflections, back to tonight. Tonight is spent in front of the PC with a bottle of cider, some audio book (I love to listen to them) and my newest knitting project. I am pretty tired after a long day and will probably goo to bed soon. I wish you a lovely Saturday evening and a great Sunday tomorrow :-)

New day, new possibilities

Oh, how I hate that saying. But but, its a new day and I hope it is going to be a good one. 

Just finished breakfast after walking the dogs and doing some laundry. Yesterday was the "day after", some pain and pretty exhausted after the course on Tuesday. A bit stiff today, especially the neck, but I hope it will loosen up a bit through the day. It is time for some training at the physiotherapist again and my plan for today is some jogging/walking (you know that thing at the fitness-center), some exercises with slings and on the gymnastic ball. And not to forget stretching.

Another walk with the babies and I will be picked up by a friend. Tonight it's lecture time and I am really looking forward to it! It will be with an expert on wolves and he is going to talk about how to choose the right pup, how the dog/puppy develops and what destroys a dogs ability to master. I have listened to another lecture with this guy before and really liked it, so I hope this one will be as good as the last one.

I am working on a website for a friend at the moment and visited  her farm yesterday in order to take some more pictures. I got some very nice ones of the horse I use to ride:

You know the feeling og having kind of a soulmate? Richard Bach says:

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

 

 

That is what I feel when I am together with this boy. I don't believe that we only can have human soulmates and neither only one, it is this special connection between two individuals. I also feel deeply connected to my dogs, a strong relationship based on trust and love. But it somehow is a bit different with a horse. I don't really know why. Perhaps because it is a bigger animal? More strength and power, a bigger creature to lean against maybe?

When I am together with him I can let go of everything, I can just be myself, I can have the feelings I have. I can cry, I can laugh, I can be angry. He responds to it and he understands. I can relax and let go of any struggles. When sitting on his back I feel like we are one. I feel safe and I feel whole. I feel safe when I am together with the dogs too, having one of them sleeping on my chest or just sitting on my lap and squeezing my head into their fur. I can forget about life being difficult for even some minutes and that is a great feeling. I need that, I need someone to love me no matter what, everybody needs that. 

Unconditional love. Is that even possible between humans?

Do you have a soulmate?