Melancolic

Sitting here in the middle of the night, feeling a bit down and listening to this, enjoy.

Remembering

Sometimes when bad things happen to you you just want to forget them, all the pictures, all the feelings. Just forget what has scared the hell out of you, what has hurt your body and soul so deeply and changed your life forever. Well, you are absolutely able to, but at some point the past catches up with you. Mine has started catching up with me and I am scared, really really scared. Memories, thousands of little pieces..

Like a butterfly

Life is a bitch

And has definitely not been good with me the last months, I got really depressed before Christmas and have been struggling a lot. My dad came to pick me up and I have been at home for a longer period, which has helped. I am still depressed, the anxiety is messing with my brain and food is still a topic for its own, but I am a bit better. I still just want to give up, pull the blanket over my head and never get out again, but as grandma says: we just don't give up!

Depressed...again

Right now I just hate living, why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up again? I am damn tired, my stomach is still aching, I am nauseous and I just hate everything and everyone. I didn't sleep well at all since a little stupid kid had to wake me up at 7 am, on a Saturday! That kid also had to whistle all day long and although we are not in the same room, I had to listen to that all the time. Today (Sunday) started at 8 am, a bit better, but still too early for me. Crap day, crap weekend, crap week and actually 2012 has been such a crap year! 

Yes, I am totally negative today and feeling really depressed, the lack of sleep and rest doesn't help. It has been noise outside my room all day long, and yesterday too. I feel supervised, can't just walk out of my room and go to the bathroom without someone staring at me, can't relax. I went for a walk together with that kid and the farmer's woman too, I don't know why I did when all I wanted was just being on my own. In peace, getting a little break, being able to cry, cry and cry. Next time I will say no. 

I only feel like crying at the moment, it has been like that all day long, but I can't just let the tears run down my cheeks, I don't cry. Big girls don't cry, and little ones neither. How should I have explained a tearful face to those outside my room? What if they heard me? Or knocked on my door in the middle of the tears running down my face? I don't want to explain, I can't. It is easier to not cry, be brave, push away all the feelings and thoughts and just pretend as if everything is fine. But it isn't.

As I am sitting here the tears want to get out, they push against my eyes and make me feel sick. I don't want them, I don't want those feelings and I hate those thoughts. I want the nausea to go away, go and annoy someone else! And take all the thought with you, and don't dare to forget the feelings!

I think the best thing for me right now is to get some sleep, I am exhausted, but I don't feel tired. I don't want to sleep. Tomorrow it is Monday again and that means another appointment with my therapist. I am glad that it does, I need to talk, talk to someone who understands and who can bear it when I say: I just want to give up.

Finished

Oh my God, how exhausted I am. I could fall asleep immediately. My whole body aches, my stomach feels like someone is pushing a knife into it, my head is exploding and I don't even want to mention my back and neck.

But we are finished with moving! Well, with moving out of the apartment and putting all the stuff where I can store it until I find a new one. Everything we need until then is moved to the farm and everything is placed in our new room. We have a very little and cozy room, I think we will survive some weeks in it. The dogs are pretty exhausted too and have to sleep very much. It seems as they like being here and that will make it easier for them to settle down.

I think I have to blog more a bit later, my eyes are too heavy. Gonna take a little nap.
Talk to you later!

I want to fall asleep and never wake up again

You know those days when you just want to fall asleep and never wake up again? Trying to forget how difficult things are, how fucked up life is and all the worries that eat you up. I am tired right now, really tired. Sick and tired of not knowing how life will go on, if we are going to find our own place before Christmas, if moving is going to make us feel better and if the pain ever will go away.

The last weeks have been hell, I found out that my oldest dog also is struggling from heavy allergies, as if Hypothyroidism isn't enough for that little body. I am worried, I am afraid of loosing my heart, the dearest thing in my life. I am so damn scared and I don't know what to do with it? What if the treatment isn't working properly? Where is the this thin line between me being egoistic, letting my dog suffer because I can't live without it, and doing anything I can do in order to help and give my dog the life it deserves? When do I have to say stop? Looking in those eyes at the moment isn't what it uses to be, I see pain, I see exhaustion and I see worries. Why can't she just be healthy?

I addition to that we still haven't found a place to move to, we are going to stay with at their farm friends and I am really thankful for that. But living at someone's house is not the same as living in my own apartment, I can't do whatever I want to, I am not going to have the privacy I need and I am used to, and I already feel kind of being in the way for someone. But maybe it will be great too? Time will show.

This weekend is the big moving weekend, some friends are going to help me move the big and heavy things tomorrow. We drove up the things I am going to have in the little bedroom at the farm today, got unpacked nearly all of it. I am really tired now and think I will just turn off the lights and get some sleep. The next days are going to be pretty stressful, but after delivering the keys I can finally breathe again and relax. Oh gosh, I am so looking forward to it!