Depressed...again

Right now I just hate living, why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up again? I am damn tired, my stomach is still aching, I am nauseous and I just hate everything and everyone. I didn't sleep well at all since a little stupid kid had to wake me up at 7 am, on a Saturday! That kid also had to whistle all day long and although we are not in the same room, I had to listen to that all the time. Today (Sunday) started at 8 am, a bit better, but still too early for me. Crap day, crap weekend, crap week and actually 2012 has been such a crap year! 

Yes, I am totally negative today and feeling really depressed, the lack of sleep and rest doesn't help. It has been noise outside my room all day long, and yesterday too. I feel supervised, can't just walk out of my room and go to the bathroom without someone staring at me, can't relax. I went for a walk together with that kid and the farmer's woman too, I don't know why I did when all I wanted was just being on my own. In peace, getting a little break, being able to cry, cry and cry. Next time I will say no. 

I only feel like crying at the moment, it has been like that all day long, but I can't just let the tears run down my cheeks, I don't cry. Big girls don't cry, and little ones neither. How should I have explained a tearful face to those outside my room? What if they heard me? Or knocked on my door in the middle of the tears running down my face? I don't want to explain, I can't. It is easier to not cry, be brave, push away all the feelings and thoughts and just pretend as if everything is fine. But it isn't.

As I am sitting here the tears want to get out, they push against my eyes and make me feel sick. I don't want them, I don't want those feelings and I hate those thoughts. I want the nausea to go away, go and annoy someone else! And take all the thought with you, and don't dare to forget the feelings!

I think the best thing for me right now is to get some sleep, I am exhausted, but I don't feel tired. I don't want to sleep. Tomorrow it is Monday again and that means another appointment with my therapist. I am glad that it does, I need to talk, talk to someone who understands and who can bear it when I say: I just want to give up.

Finished

Oh my God, how exhausted I am. I could fall asleep immediately. My whole body aches, my stomach feels like someone is pushing a knife into it, my head is exploding and I don't even want to mention my back and neck.

But we are finished with moving! Well, with moving out of the apartment and putting all the stuff where I can store it until I find a new one. Everything we need until then is moved to the farm and everything is placed in our new room. We have a very little and cozy room, I think we will survive some weeks in it. The dogs are pretty exhausted too and have to sleep very much. It seems as they like being here and that will make it easier for them to settle down.

I think I have to blog more a bit later, my eyes are too heavy. Gonna take a little nap.
Talk to you later!