Depressed...again

Right now I just hate living, why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up again? I am damn tired, my stomach is still aching, I am nauseous and I just hate everything and everyone. I didn't sleep well at all since a little stupid kid had to wake me up at 7 am, on a Saturday! That kid also had to whistle all day long and although we are not in the same room, I had to listen to that all the time. Today (Sunday) started at 8 am, a bit better, but still too early for me. Crap day, crap weekend, crap week and actually 2012 has been such a crap year! 

Yes, I am totally negative today and feeling really depressed, the lack of sleep and rest doesn't help. It has been noise outside my room all day long, and yesterday too. I feel supervised, can't just walk out of my room and go to the bathroom without someone staring at me, can't relax. I went for a walk together with that kid and the farmer's woman too, I don't know why I did when all I wanted was just being on my own. In peace, getting a little break, being able to cry, cry and cry. Next time I will say no. 

I only feel like crying at the moment, it has been like that all day long, but I can't just let the tears run down my cheeks, I don't cry. Big girls don't cry, and little ones neither. How should I have explained a tearful face to those outside my room? What if they heard me? Or knocked on my door in the middle of the tears running down my face? I don't want to explain, I can't. It is easier to not cry, be brave, push away all the feelings and thoughts and just pretend as if everything is fine. But it isn't.

As I am sitting here the tears want to get out, they push against my eyes and make me feel sick. I don't want them, I don't want those feelings and I hate those thoughts. I want the nausea to go away, go and annoy someone else! And take all the thought with you, and don't dare to forget the feelings!

I think the best thing for me right now is to get some sleep, I am exhausted, but I don't feel tired. I don't want to sleep. Tomorrow it is Monday again and that means another appointment with my therapist. I am glad that it does, I need to talk, talk to someone who understands and who can bear it when I say: I just want to give up.

Finished

Oh my God, how exhausted I am. I could fall asleep immediately. My whole body aches, my stomach feels like someone is pushing a knife into it, my head is exploding and I don't even want to mention my back and neck.

But we are finished with moving! Well, with moving out of the apartment and putting all the stuff where I can store it until I find a new one. Everything we need until then is moved to the farm and everything is placed in our new room. We have a very little and cozy room, I think we will survive some weeks in it. The dogs are pretty exhausted too and have to sleep very much. It seems as they like being here and that will make it easier for them to settle down.

I think I have to blog more a bit later, my eyes are too heavy. Gonna take a little nap.
Talk to you later!

I want to fall asleep and never wake up again

You know those days when you just want to fall asleep and never wake up again? Trying to forget how difficult things are, how fucked up life is and all the worries that eat you up. I am tired right now, really tired. Sick and tired of not knowing how life will go on, if we are going to find our own place before Christmas, if moving is going to make us feel better and if the pain ever will go away.

The last weeks have been hell, I found out that my oldest dog also is struggling from heavy allergies, as if Hypothyroidism isn't enough for that little body. I am worried, I am afraid of loosing my heart, the dearest thing in my life. I am so damn scared and I don't know what to do with it? What if the treatment isn't working properly? Where is the this thin line between me being egoistic, letting my dog suffer because I can't live without it, and doing anything I can do in order to help and give my dog the life it deserves? When do I have to say stop? Looking in those eyes at the moment isn't what it uses to be, I see pain, I see exhaustion and I see worries. Why can't she just be healthy?

I addition to that we still haven't found a place to move to, we are going to stay with at their farm friends and I am really thankful for that. But living at someone's house is not the same as living in my own apartment, I can't do whatever I want to, I am not going to have the privacy I need and I am used to, and I already feel kind of being in the way for someone. But maybe it will be great too? Time will show.

This weekend is the big moving weekend, some friends are going to help me move the big and heavy things tomorrow. We drove up the things I am going to have in the little bedroom at the farm today, got unpacked nearly all of it. I am really tired now and think I will just turn off the lights and get some sleep. The next days are going to be pretty stressful, but after delivering the keys I can finally breathe again and relax. Oh gosh, I am so looking forward to it!

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." Havelock Ellis

We are going to move. The apartment I live in has never been our dream place and after a period with mold in the guest room I am pretty fed up. One of my dogs has become very ill from it and I am wondering if that also could be one of the reasons why I still am struggling with getting healthy. We will move out within the next month, so I have to start packing.

 It feels like I am breaking up with something, kind of finish another chapter in this life. 
Well, I kind of am and it is scary. First we have to find a new place, if we don't within that month we will move in with some friends, the ones with the horses. Finding a new home is pretty difficult right now, not so many apartments on the marked and most of them are too expensive. I hope that I will find one pretty soon, so we don't have to switch places. And then we have to move all of our things. That is not the biggest problem, but it is a lot of work. I feel very exhausted at the moment and am very scared to go into another depression.

Autumn with it's cold days isn't helping so much. As fast as we have found a place and moved our stuff we have to unpack everything again and settle. It will be a lot of stress for all of us, so I expect my youngster to struggle with staying alone at home again. But we will just start from the beginning again and increase the time slowly. I think she will be ok as fast as we have settled. I think it will be good for us all. My eldest dog is hopefully going to feel better again and I hope that her health will improve. And the youngster will stress less when she sees me worrying less. It sometimes is impressive how much they understand. I am very afraid to loose my eldest right now, it would tear my heart apart. But as long as I don't have any obvious test results I won't make any decisions.

I am a bit melancholic today, feeling weird and stressed. The life I have is not what I want, but it is scary to start something new. Leave the safe and known for something scary and unknown. To let go of the old and bad and hold on to the good and take that with us into the future. We will move, that is certain. When and where is another question. I am just scared, damn scared.

Time is flying. Have spent the last two weeks on the sofa with a cold and sore throat, two furballs, tea, tissues and my loved TV! I am finally feeling better and am in a bit better shape.

Haven't done anything really interesting the last weeks, besides reading some great books. I have just finished "The Emotional Life of Animals - A Leading Scientist Explores Animal Joy, Sorrow, and Empathy and Why They Matter" written by Marc Bekoff and I LOVE THIS BOOK! It really touches your heart. I have never cried so much, laughed so much and thought so much while reading a book.
 

 I have always loved animals and been thrilled by their emotions, their love and companionship. I grew up with a little zoo, we have always had dogs and cats, ducks, chicken, geese, rabbits, guinea pigs and some lizards. My neighbor had cows and I used to help him on the farm. I also started horseback riding when I was 8 years old. Animals are such interesting creatures and I could not think of a life without them. They love you for who you are and as you are. They just don't care about what you look like, what car you drive or even if you can talk or walk. I have always found someone to lean to, someone who comforted me when feeling down and who cheered me up...in an animal. They don't let you down as people do. I just love them.

Unfortunately I can't say the same thing about people. Of course that's because of bad experiences, things that have happened through life and that have changed the trust in people you carry with you from childhood. I am not saying that I can't trust people or love them, neither that I don't like them, I absolutely do, but I have to admit that connecting emotionally with an animal is a lot easier and safer for me.

Well, enough reflections, back to tonight. Tonight is spent in front of the PC with a bottle of cider, some audio book (I love to listen to them) and my newest knitting project. I am pretty tired after a long day and will probably goo to bed soon. I wish you a lovely Saturday evening and a great Sunday tomorrow :-)

New day, new possibilities

Oh, how I hate that saying. But but, its a new day and I hope it is going to be a good one. 

Just finished breakfast after walking the dogs and doing some laundry. Yesterday was the "day after", some pain and pretty exhausted after the course on Tuesday. A bit stiff today, especially the neck, but I hope it will loosen up a bit through the day. It is time for some training at the physiotherapist again and my plan for today is some jogging/walking (you know that thing at the fitness-center), some exercises with slings and on the gymnastic ball. And not to forget stretching.

Another walk with the babies and I will be picked up by a friend. Tonight it's lecture time and I am really looking forward to it! It will be with an expert on wolves and he is going to talk about how to choose the right pup, how the dog/puppy develops and what destroys a dogs ability to master. I have listened to another lecture with this guy before and really liked it, so I hope this one will be as good as the last one.

I am working on a website for a friend at the moment and visited  her farm yesterday in order to take some more pictures. I got some very nice ones of the horse I use to ride:

You know the feeling og having kind of a soulmate? Richard Bach says:

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

 

 

That is what I feel when I am together with this boy. I don't believe that we only can have human soulmates and neither only one, it is this special connection between two individuals. I also feel deeply connected to my dogs, a strong relationship based on trust and love. But it somehow is a bit different with a horse. I don't really know why. Perhaps because it is a bigger animal? More strength and power, a bigger creature to lean against maybe?

When I am together with him I can let go of everything, I can just be myself, I can have the feelings I have. I can cry, I can laugh, I can be angry. He responds to it and he understands. I can relax and let go of any struggles. When sitting on his back I feel like we are one. I feel safe and I feel whole. I feel safe when I am together with the dogs too, having one of them sleeping on my chest or just sitting on my lap and squeezing my head into their fur. I can forget about life being difficult for even some minutes and that is a great feeling. I need that, I need someone to love me no matter what, everybody needs that. 

Unconditional love. Is that even possible between humans?

Do you have a soulmate?

Time is flying

One week has passed and I have to apologize for not blogging at all, the plan was to publish the last entry a bit earlier, but the week passed by too quickly.

I am attending a course in pain management and it started last week. A bit strange to be a part of a group where you talk about pain and everything that follows with it, but kind of good too. We had one hour with some education followed by one and a half hours of training and stretching. I can't say that this group thing, walking around in a circle with your arms up high and jumping around, is really my thing. But, I will give it a try and see how the next times are going to be.

I actually had a good week, yes, some pain and had to take some medicine. But I was able to train quite much, took some longer walks with the dogs and managed to meet some friends. I also managed to tidy up and clean the apartment, which is working fine as long it is on a daily basis, but real spring-cleaning is rather seldom. I just don't have the energy. Something I have become pretty good at is eating properly. I want to loose some weight and have started not a real diet, but a change in my nutrition. It is not so difficult actually, you just avoid carbs the last six hour before bedtime. That means salad with some egg, fish or meat for supper.

Yesterday started pretty early, out for a walk with the furballs and some breakfast before my “driver” picked me up. My car is broken right now and I am waiting for it to be fixed. I had an appointment at my psychologist today. It is strange how much the fact of knowing you have someone you can talk to affects the beginning of the week. I feel good on Mondays as I know that I can talk about thoughts and feelings, I often feel crap afterwards and feel like crying, but it kind of reliefs some of the pressure.

Today was day two of pain management. Not so much to tell about it, talked about pain, what it is and what we can do with it. We did some training again too. This time we used resistance bands and had some exercises on a gymnastic ball. Still, the group thing is not really my thing, but it was nice to meet the others again. I suddenly remembered that I had some resistance bands at home..think I will use them a bit more from now on...

Tomorrow will be a rather relaxed day, or well, I have to clean the apartment and I have to work a bit more with a website for a friend. On Thursday it is time for training again and in the evening I will attend a very interesting lecture about dogs, really looking forward to it. I don't have any plans for the weekend yet, I will just take it as it comes.

Right now I am chilling in the sofa, just had my salad and am waiting for my tea to be ready. It is pretty cold outside now, brrr, autumn is coming! And it is raining! 

But I actually like autumn, it is a very colorful time outside, cold yes, but wonderful. I love to sit inside in front of the fireplace and drink some tea, read a good book or just watch the flames. Autumn also means that winter is coming soon and darker times to arrive. Not only less daylight but also more depressions, but I don't want to think about that yet. Let's concentrate about autumn first :-)

My Scandinavian fairytale

Well, it was meant to be a fairytale but rather turned into an adventure.

I was finished with school, wanted to be abroad for a year. Working as a nanny was what was possible and so I only had to find out in which country. I love France and would have loved to spent some time there, but I had a really stupid teacher the last years and lost the passion for the language. Next on my list: English, well the US was too far away and I actually didn't feel that my English was so bad, so England was not an option either.

As my mums family is from Scandinavia I finally chose to move up here in order to learn the language and find out where this part of me comes from. My grandfather died when my mum was very young so she grew up in Germany, but we had been to Scandinavia every summer and spent the holidays here. My family is still owning a cabin up here, which I use from time to time.

Yep, I had chosen a country, just had to find a family to stay with. That was not so very difficult, the Internet is full of families in need of a nanny to look after their kids. I finally found a nice one, well I had my doubts from the beginning, but they seemed ok. The contract was written and I was going to move in 2 months later.

I remember that summer at the cabin, we were staying there for some weeks and visiting the family before I moved in. A bit strange to know that you are going to not go home again with your family, but really exciting too. I moved in, my family went home again and I stayed with a totally strange family, that turned out to not really wish another family member, but an employee to boss around. After several months of feeling exploited and lonely I found myself another family. That family stuck to the rules and I had a lovely time there. Working my hours and being a part of the family.

This year went by pretty fast and I suddenly was forced to think about my further future.

I had applied for some colleges and universities and was waiting for an answer. While I was waiting for replies I spent the summer working at a clothes shop. I got in at a Norwegian college and started studying close to where I live now. Since I am a German citizen I couldn't get any study loan, so I worked besides the studies, or perhaps I should say that I studied besides working my ass off. I actually worked at a gas station for a while, until I got a job at a institution for disabled kids. I loved this job! It was so fun to work with those kids and I learned so very much from them. I worked, studied and worked and studied. I was social with friends when I had the time, which was pretty seldom.

After two years of that lifestyle my body and mind said stop and I fell into a big depression. My back pain, which I had had for a long time, got a lot worse. I think that is about 4,5 years ago now, and since then my life has been a mess. A lot of pain in my back, hips, neck and shoulders and depressions. I have been on and off anti-depressants for about 3 years, lately stopped taking my last one and although it is hard, I am fine. I haven't been able to work for about 2 years and am suffering of a lot of pain. It is an art to find the right balance between activities and rest.

Things are improving, but it takes time. It is really frustrating, I am 25 years old and should have a great time. A great job, fun with friends, training, traveling and just enjoy being young and single. Life is definitely not easy and perhaps it isn't so bad to learn about it at a younger age, I mean all the experiences I earn now will help me in life later, won't they?

Although life is hard and I am struggling right now I still have some great times. I have some very nice friends, I have a loving family and I have the two cutest and lovable dogs in the world. And I have good days, days with laughter and little pain. It will take time to be in good shape again and start to work, but I am really looking forward to that day.

So for now, have a nice day :-)

Welcome to my life

Alright. Welcome to my new blog. Well, new blog is not right to say, as I have never had a blog about my life in English before. But anyway, welcome :-) 

I am going to use this blog as a kind of diary where I can share ups and downs, feelings like loneliness, frustration and despair, but also hope and happiness. I am going to write about physical and psychological pain, suicidal thoughts and depressions. But I will also tell you about good days, nice things that happen and dreams, things that make life easier to stand.

I don't really know how to start, but I think I will give you a little presentation: 

I am a 25 years old girl, living in Scandinavia, but am from Germany.  English is not my first language, so forgive me for any mistakes. I have been living in Scandinavia for about 6 years now, and although I really can't understand why I am still here, I still am. I have a passion for photography, books, arts and I love dogs. I am sharing my life with two dogs and really appreciate their company and unconditional love I receive every day. I love being together with friends, which is way too seldom. I would like to see my family more often too, but as they are living in Germany I only see them a couple of times within a year. That has been ok the first years, but I miss them more and more and wonder if I will move back again some time.

I am not sure when life became complicated, but I will start with my Scandinavian adventure and tell you about it in the next entry.

Til then, take care